I am a very non-verbal person. Despite what many think because I am constantly talking. Don’t get me wrong, I am opinionated and more than willing to tell people how I really think or feel about a situation. However, when it comes to my true hounest to g-d feelings I don’t express them. Because if I put myself out there I will get hurt. I know what they say, getting hurt makes you stronger. Whatever, like many I have been hurt before and why would I wish that upon myself? After I completely trust somebody with my life, I will open up to them, but thats only when I am sure that I can trust them completely. Naturally, I have enough bottled up emotions to counter balance the weight of the world…
The last time I posted something about my life was the beginning of last semester, 2011. WAY too much shit has happened that I think I need to verbalize. So here we go…
1: Relationship… This one I carried out for a month and then on our “one month” anniversary I cut it off. I knew it had not been working out and if it wasn’t for the fact I wanted someone I would had cut it off a long time ago, now, almost six months later she is happily in a new relationship and I am once again, alone.
2: Apartment… I have moved out of the dorm, my off campus housing was just approved the other day and I officially live in my own apartment. [I have already lived there for an entire semester] I shouldn’t be too happy. I am living with a lesiban couple, who fight violently every three weeks. Both have some mental issues, one much more serious. I hate living with them most of the time. There is something about them that I feel I have to spend every waking second with them. It might just be because they have a car, and well, I don’t even officially have my learners. Lesiban 1 [serious mental issues] has tried to kill herself 4 times over the course of our 8 month friendship. She is a useless slob that isn’t worth the air she is breathing. I feel bad for her she has no aspirations, no inspiration, and no real value to society. Most days I hate her. I kind of wish they would really break up for once so that she would move out. Really, living with them is an extremely bad situation. I only have to do it until January, and then either the lease is being dropped or she is moving out. And hopefully by the end of this summer I will have a driver’s license and my own car and will not have to rely on them for anything. They are both slobs and am really glad to have the summer away from them.
3: An interesting turn of events…I think it has been obvious to my friends, and myself for quite some time that I’m gay. This does not change how I feel about my best friend. I guess that I have been head over heels in love with her for so long, I don’t have eyes for other women. What can I say, I like the dick. It was theorized that if boys don’t have a father they will be gay, because they need the satisfaction of a man. I think my case is the opposite. I have been screwed over my a women most of my life, so naturally I can’t love them. Back to my bromance, I kind of wish something could have happened between us. I love him, even to his day my heart races every time he texts me or I talk about him. Plus now he’s moved in with his boyfriend of eight months. Not many people know, seven I think it was on last count. All of them are at college and only one of them has ties to my hometown. I feel free, like I no longer have to hide my gay comments or thoughts for fear of being outed or ridiculed. I have tried to drop some hints to those I am still close with here at home, but I am also trying to keep it away from people I don’t want to know, or people that might just pull the “I told you so” and I most defiantly don’t want my dad finding out. It would kill him and probably end our relationship. So, I’m on the hunt for a boyfriend. All the toys and porn and the world can’t replace the touch and the warmth of another human being. The trouble is finding one that is attracted to me, I find attractive, we have similar interests, someone that will hold my hand in public and kiss me goodbye. Apparently, gays don’t hold hands in public or kiss in public around where I go to school but nothing is stopping me. And i guess I should clear things up when I was talking about my theatre professor in a previous post, he is a man. I’m a bottom, and thats as far as I’m going. [no pun intended] <——-first time admitting that to anyone. I’d like to tell one of my other [non-love] best friends that I have always considered her my fag hag [considering we are married on Facebook, but i’m sure thats how my secret will be told to everyone.
4: He’s going to the chapel…Daddy’s getting remarried. Prenup in place. It’s happening this Saturday. I wish time could stop just for a little while so I can get caught up. I will keep in mind that this is his third marriage [One before Satan] and with each marriage the chance of divorce goes up. While I don’t approve of her, I have come to term with the fact that I cannot control his life, when mine is in such disarray.
5: Not a word…My mother is still yet to talk to me. Besides the money she sent me for my birthday we haven’t talked. I was actually up at the court house a few weeks ago and walked right past her. She said nothing to me, I said nothing to her. I like it. It’s one less thing I get to deal with.
6: College year one…Not only have I successfully passed my first year of college, but I managed not to kill anyone. All jokes aside, I am now a psychology major, minoring in historical preservation. I still plan to go to law school, I just need something fun to do in the mean time. Psychology has always interested me so I mind-as-well learn more about it. The historical preservation is so I can put my independent study with some fun classes and a great professor. My advisor told me to request that he be my advisor. The department chair already knows me, I like the change and I know I’m going to like the two psychology classes I’m taking next semester. Did I mention one is a senior level class?
7: Things are looking up…I have an amazing class schedule, the library has offered me a job, and I’m free to be who I always was. I’m more determined than ever to get my driver’s license. This may turn out to be a really good summer…
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College life has created some issues. I am in a failing relationship, I don’t enjoy her company, [not to judge] but, she’s not the prettiest person in the world. She has a funny way of dressing, she is a country girl (with the accent and the lack of texting grammar and spelling), and she is just odd. My fiends think that I should break up with her because I am making myself miserable and screwing with her head. However, truth be told I like the idea of her, I have never had a girlfriend before and I just like having someone I can call my girlfriend. I know that she won’t be the one I end up with but I’m just worried I won’t find that person. My dad confessed to me that he is with his girlfriend because he is generally worried that at his age he won’t find some one else. Looking back at my relationship post, [http://obsessedwithdetails.tumblr.com/post/9668491353/37-relationship-status-changed] I’m weirded out that I felt this way, I had to have been lying to myself. Because I don’t think I was ever that happy. I tend to give a lot of people relationship advice, and now that I’m in one that’s not listening. If you’re not happy. Change it so that you are. I have two motto’s in life. “Nut up or shut up.” and ” Do. For. Self.” Both of which I have been trying to press on people, however they don’t seem to listen. I am not happy, and I need to do something about it. My plan is to break up with her and just get it over with. It’s just wasting my time. She’s creepy and just too weird for me. And I can’t be fully open with someone that isn’t fully open with me. She has so many secrets and always tells me we will talk about them another day, or I just have to ask the right questions, there is no such thing as a right or wrong question…
My roommate is the most inconsiderate person I have run across in the longest time. First, I walk in on him on him and his girlfriend of THREE days mid-coitus. I just don’t understand why he couldn’t just drop me an email or facebook message or just something just to tell me not to come back. And then last night is the kicker, I was out with friends and I come back it is about, two o’ clock in the morning and I walk up to my room, what I like to call “high tower north,” take two guesses who is there. That’s right my roommate physically sleeping with his girlfriend. It wasn’t bad until she started talking to me as I was trying to get to sleep for my eight o’clock. It was too freaky, I quickly left called my friend and asked if I could sleep in her room for the night. She let me so I packed my stuff and went down and slept on her floor. I managed to not set my alarm and slept right through my Biology test today. It’s not been a good week. That’s just one day of my week. On Monday, we had an hour long fire evacuation because some moron doesn’t clean out the dryer vent and it caught fire. So now our laundry room in the dorm is completely off limits for at least the next two weeks, of course it catches fire right before I was going to put my laundry in. SO, yesterday I got to cart all of my laundry to my girlfriend’s dorm to do it and than all the way back to mine. I had to do four loads. It was a complete nightmare. And then the icing on the cake is my girlfriend, who has become a freaking psycho. Who looks out of her hallway window to see if my light is on in my room. WHO DOES THAT? I honestly don’t understand why I am even staying with her. All of my friends both here and in my home town keep telling me to break up with her. I think I like the idea of having a girlfriend. Not, necessarily her but just the idea of her. I guess I should look around a little bit for someone else to date. Someone that isn’t crazy…
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Well, yesterday was a pretty exciting day. Not only did I get to sleep in a good hour but I also asked Jessie if she wanted to go out with me and she said yes. After a evening of giggling hand holding and such, I could barely fall asleep. I was just too excited and ever so nervous. I talked to her sister who is a mutual friend and she warned me and talked to me about it. It made me wish she was an only child, but never once did I regret my decision. I’ve met her parents but not her brother and I’m nervous now with the “situation” being changed. Though it is not facebook official (yet) it is official. I’ really nervous what there opinions and questions will be, this would be my first official girlfriend. I really like her too and in my opinion we have the perfect balance of things we mutually like and things that each of us like but the other really doesn’t. All I have to do now is outlast Karen and one of my other friends who were dating for less than a month. I’m also really nervous about what my best friend (http://obsessedwithdetails.tumblr.com/post/7076012835/3-umm-i-like-you) will think. I know Jessie knows I have a complex relationship with her but I don’t think she knows exactly how complex. I have to beat Karen and my other friend, they had a joke relationship so I have to make sure we have a better one. To wrap this up I also really have the compulsion to start buying her things. That could turn out badly. But, I really hope it lasts. I know I will never break up with her so, there is no worries there unless she does. Which according to her sister, won’t happen either. It looks like we will be together for a long time…
So when I have a lot on my mind I’ve decided to structure it and just let it all go here it goes:
1: Love. Is an evil heartless cruel being. Whist at college the love of my life, my best friend, came to visit me as she was leaving for New York for college. I hoped to get to spend some serious time with her, however things never go as I want them too. Though I had an absolutely amazing time, I wish she could have seen my current life, my dorm and maybe even met some of my friends. It seems that a lot of things I want to happen are extremely short lived. However, I must admit it was good to see her. I also got to see her parents which was good fun in and of itself. I almost cried when I saw her drive away. I wanted her to stay forever.
2: I want to date one of my friends. I have never been more serious about this. I actually like her a lot. She was one of the first people I met here and tonight I asked her if she wanted to get some dinner off campus, mainly because I wanted to spend some alone time with her because I never get to see her due to how different our schedules are. But I seriously do like her. And its a strong possibility I will (maybe) become something stronger than a friendship. At the same time, I don’t want to mess up what I have. We are good friends, and I sort of want to keep it a secret from the rest of our mutual friends. For the excitement, of course, but also just in case things don’t work out we have a better chance of still being friends without a lot of baggage attached.
3: I’ve been negating admitting this but I need to, I actually talked to my mother. After my order was put into motion I had to go over to the house to get some stuff, and I was avoiding her. However we ended up in the attic together and just asked her some questions plain and simple. Like, why she didn’t come to my high school graduation or why she hadn’t bothered to talk to me in such a long time. She told me her side of the story and actually apologized which is something she rarely does. Not that everything is worked out because things are far from being “good” between us. She tried to play the whole mother card too which really pissed me off because she was just putting on show for everyone that was there.
4: Fucking Karen. He goes to college in my town, Pittsburgh. He has been posting statuses like “Southside of Pittsburgh, Awesome place.” Really? Have you been to the rest of my city? Have you been to the strip district? Have you been to the theaters? Have you even see the North Shore? Who the fuck gave him permission to say all this shit about my town. My land and my future home? Get the fuck out! There is something that makes me just want to call him out, alas I can’t because it would cause a huge problem for my love so I have to keep my opinions for now!
5: Finally, annoying fucking people. Get the fuck out of my classes, I don’t want you there and neither do the other people. A woman in my sociology 203 class, has the most annoying questions and a super annoying voice. All the time “But wait a minute…” or “what about…” Spare me! Or the kid in my Theatre 204 class why must you interrupt the most gorgeous teacher on this planet? 29 mother fucking times he interrupted. Including some awesome ones like comparing Star Wars to Plato, totally out of context. Or proclaiming to the entire class he didn’t need to read because he read it in high school and he still kind of remembered it. I could have bashed him over the head with a fucking chair.
Well that’s that and I glad I got some stuff off of my chest…
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On April 4, 2011, the only person that truly loved me unconditionally left me. My grandmother died at the age of 96. She lived a full, healthy, and independent life, yet I feel cheated. Like, I deserved more time with her, I want more time with her. Our relationship was unique, we could sit and talk for hours upon hours. Both telling each other stories. My favourite stories were the ones she told of growing up in her hometown, at the time known as “hell town” because of the prohibition. She told me great stories of our family, the war, and the sneaky law breaking my great grandmother did. She was born shortly after her parents and siblings arrived in the United States from Italy at the turn of the century, 1913. Roughly a year after they arrived my grandmother was born. She lived 96 years in the same small town she was born in. I enjoyed hearing all the stories about her life. One of the ones I commonly retell is the one about my great grandmother making wine in their barn and having a pipe running almost a mile to their basement. All of which happened during prohibition. I love her so much. I wish I was half like she was, and I would kill to have more time with her. However, I have to be happy with all the time I did have with her, because it was much more time than my cousins and other family members including one of her daughters. The last time I saw her was the first week of July 2010. That’s one of the things I can’t forgive myself for as well as not calling her while she was in the hospital. I probably should have but she knows I think about her all the time, and she knows I love her so much…
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